Professional Sports

I have pretty well given up watching professional hockey and haven’t watched more than half a Canadian football game this year. Too many of the same inane commercials and worse commentaries by people who take these games seriously. Serious money, not serious sport. At a game, the action has to stop to allow commercials to be aired for people not attending the game. Stupid.

So I dreamed up a solution for hockey. Eliminate the goalie altogether. Most of the goalies are slim guys dressed in the most outlandish costumes to make them over four feet wide, with size 15 skates, shin pads the size of half a sheet of plywood and trapper mitts suitable for catching basketballs. Instead, why not just cover the whole goal with a sheet of plywood with about a dozen or more 4-5 inch holes. Each team would have about a dozen of these things so that the holes can appear in different places each period.

As for the fighting: a five-minute major and a game misconduct for the first fight, add a 30 day suspension for the second fight and then a season suspension for the third. If you add a stiff fine along with this, that money could be used to treat hockey players suffering from concussions. Since fans love fights, create another separate sport with a small skating surface surrounded by chain-link fencing. Two players from each team, dressed as hockey players but without gloves, sticks, or helmets, in ten five- minute periods. No referees, just guys with stretchers to take the fallen away in ambulances. Raw meat for the spectators. And, of course, free beer.