CAT CATAPULT CASED BY COPS

By Finkus Frownbottombly

In a classical example of cop cooperation across international boundaries a plot to catapult cats into outer space using backyard technology was foiled in James Bay.

“For the past ten years information has slowly led us to the conclusion that this method of ridding the area of unwanted cats was hatched far away from this quiet neighborhood in James Bay,” said Constable X, whose name could not be released because of international prohibitions against naming police individually in local publications.

Because this reporter has always made it his policy to supply the James Bay Beacon with lucid and accurate reports, he is constantly chagrined by such tactics that keep the public ignorant of criminal activities about which they ought to be fully informed.  Now the truth is finally coming out into the open.  James Bay has suffered the devastation of feral felines ferreting out the last few squirrels, mice, rats, and assorted other benevolent rodents, including termites and cockroaches.

As police rounded up the last of the gang they made a significant discovery as to the identity of the ringleader.  Using a variety of aliases this young man has moved from low rental to lower rental, and was now holed up in the newest building on the waterfront.

Fingerprints and DNA confirmed that he was the long-lost nephew of the noted archeologist, Sir Rodney Schnockdurgle.  He had been taken from his mother’s knee twenty nine years earlier and forced to live in the depths of old growth forests with Big Foot and his family on Vancouver Island, not twenty kilometers from Port Alberni.

Asked about his early life, he shrugged his massive shoulders. “What’s to be said?” he sighed sadly.  “Given my condition could it not be considered that I not be cast into confinement among castaways?”